the flood

Once upon a time in a faraway land a baby was born, who the prophets foretold would be unbound by all the laws of man and nature. So the king of kings lived freely all his life as nobody dared challenge the prophecy and he discovered early in his youth that he had the power to eat as much as he wanted.

After so much eating it came to pass that on the day he turned 50 he was so full of crap that he had grown 500 feet tall and equally wide. All his subjects gathered to celebrate his birthday, offering him plate after plate of every delicacy he desired, each person taking turns climbing scaffolding specially built for the purpose of feeding him.

Amidst the festivities a bird flew down from the sky wearing glasses and a fake moustache and announced to the king that he came from an even more faraway land with a warning that the prophets were actually conspirators. Outraged, the king snatched the bird out of the air and swallowed him whole. He demanded 23 plates of chicken tenders and mac and cheese and 17 milkshakes to wash them down. He ate it all and more then suddenly his face went pale and he began to sweat. He tried to swallow but began to vomit instead. Towering high above the castle he rained down 50 years worth of bile for 40 days and 40 nights.

By the time he finished, enough crops died to induce a seven year famine and 300 small children, who could not yet swim, drowned. Those who survived stepped out of their shelters and began to rejoice. Some backflipped off their roofs into the river of filth, others splashed and frolicked, and others still sat to paint, write poetry, and sing songs about the pie tins, hot dog buns, and turkey carcasses floating down the streets.

A bubbling came from the center of the flood in the town square and from there emerged the bird carrying an undigested acorn. His disguise now removed, all who saw him gasped and smiled and nodded to each other recognizing the blue jay before them. He flew up above the castle and stretched his wings to dry out in the sun but as he shook them the acorn dropped from his bill. Where it landed grew an oak tree, soaking up all the king's waste. The townsfolk gathered a third of its acorns for a feast, planted a third over the failed crops, and insisted the jay take the remaining third with him, which he did after politely declining the offer three times. He flew away home, nobody heard from the king again, and everybody lived happily ever after.